How come I didn’t become a serial killer?

I saw the real world and true human’s nature when I was 14 years old, even if I lived horrors before, I understood them only at that age. Lies, betrayal, scars, violence…
At 20 I hated humans so much for their bad deeds only because they were running after sheets of paper, metals and “rocks”, that I was nearly able to destroy everything in this world. So it can only stop our madnesses. stop us all.

How come I am not a serial killer when human’s justice fails so often, when illusions surround us everyday? How come I never killed a human yet?

Because I was saved by humans. Those who showed me that not everything is engloufed in darkness.
I met the right people at the right time. Until 2006 I stayed dormant living for no one sake for nothing except death. I was waiting death to take me and release me from this world.
why no commit suicide? Not because religion says so or because I was afraid. In the contrary I was ready to do it more than once. I was against it because of my soul. Because I thought at what I discovered, what I already lived, about my battles and fights to survive, what I learnt from humans and from all this world, all the people I met.
I really wanted to go as far as this body and mind can go.
Only to see how my own kind will behave in the future.
I really want, even now, to stand up and study my own kind’s behaviour, look their own destruction and hearing them saying “it’s not our fault. it’s their fault” as little kids.

… until I met a man who changed my life. Completely. like a huge storm. Without knowing he brought me back to life. It was hard, I cried almost everyday during a year. But I am really grateful. Because I discovered new places, new ways, new people, new thoughts. I even made friends. No matter how hard I was calling death and destruction, I begun to enjoy to be alive with others. strange for someone who spent almost 30 years alone.

Yeah! right. why save humans? why don’t destroy everything? because between those I hate, there are souls I want to meet, there are souls I love, souls I want to laugh with, souls I want to cry and fight with, souls I want to protect. Because instead of destruction I prefer to try my best and heal broken souls around me. I may not be able to save everyone. I may not be able to save myself. But at least I’ll stay true to my soul.
Every human has qualities and defaults. It’s hard to find your qualities because you’re looking through the other’s eyes. And other people are often jealous about you. so they will not show you the good part. That’s why you better learn more about yourself. there is no human in this world that doesn’t have qualities.

I talked about my own kind. It means all humans. Not a particular color of skin, nor a particular phisical appearance. every human is included in my own kind. we are all humans, we all have our pains, scars, darknesses. but we all have light inside. it’s up to us to make it grew stronger and feel happy. All feelings are a state of the mind. say you want to be happy. be grateful when you’re feeling happy. and you’ll end up being happy everyday with no particular reason.

often we, as humans, hurt our own kind because of people who doesn’t care about our well being at all. Almost all of us are blind to this.
One word, one right sentence can heal the past scars. I smiled when someone told me he was suffering because when he was younger people called him monkey. so what? monkeys are really cute and intelligent. why being ashamed?
Accepting the others with everything they got is hard at the beginning because we are not used to it.
But this is the key to find a way to smile everyday and to go on living together. only together, we can find the way to happiness. because if you ask for happiness alone you’re always feel sad because you’re lonely. so it won’t work.

Hatred never healed anyone, never brought love to anyone, never brought back to life anyone.
I can’t forgive but I can close in a box everything related to the bad events. A box that will open when I will be in danger or meet same people again.

I learnt to smile 2 years ago and laugh last year thanks to 2 men I met by luck. I am already more than 30 years old. Too late? I don’t think so.
Today in the common transport everyone is looking at me strangely, because I am smiling, because I look happy. This is the way I want to be. I don’t care about what they are thinking. It makes me smile even more. I turned my memories into happiness and created new happy memories no matter the loss I had. 🙂

Smiling, feeling happiness no matter what happens, because the cup of water is always half full instead of empty, is someting everyone can do. Overcoming the darkness we were raised in, trusting our fates and ourselves, we all can do it.
I never said it’s easy. I am only saying that if you take time, you’ll find the way out of your hell. No matter what you think, you’re not alone.

Yes, I met the right people at the right time. But I never waited for someone to come and save me. No one will knock at your door saying “hey I know how to save you. you must do this or that.” And even if someone was doing it, I would not believe in that person, because humans can betray easily their own kind for illusions. x__x
I prefered to go out and see others behaviour. Little by little I begun to talk to them. Little by little I opened a new way. Because I really trust that we are not alive to suffer, cry and be hurt endlessly, nor be alone everyday.

So don’t give in darkness, don’t let those who are jealous about you, win over your soul. stand up, look up and go on.
go visit the other part of the world, maybe you’ll find the answers you’re looking for. It was my case.

Take the time to do things you like and tomorrow you’ll find it easy to smile and laugh with everyone around you. ^_____^

No one is asking you to be first, to be the best, to do it the quickest without failing.
Society may ask it from you, but if it doesn’t match your soul don’t do it. I always fought against it because failing means you’re learning. I failed 2 years of study but in exchange I learnt a lot about life. I failed my driver licence but in exchange I never had a car accident. I failed my program for the company but in exchange I learnt an other point of view I didn’t have at the beginning.
Failing doesn’t mean you’re a failure. It means you’re improving, you’re learning no matter the mistakes. 🙂

I hope this message can reach a lot of you and show you a different way of thinking and living. I don’t say I am right about everything.
I am saying that before destruction there are other solutions and ways. We are all trying to find happiness and feel well.

Take care everyone

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