Self Interview

Self Interview to find my way, my perfect other one is not helping much ^^
me: What to do?
miss perfect: Don’t ask!
– Where to go?
– You already know.
– After first step how to do it?
– Don’t ask!
make it clear in your mind. What is your true desire? what do you really want?
No one will come take you by the hand and show you the way.
– Why not? T___T
– Obvious! So. don’t ask!
– Alone nothing can be done.
– We agree.
– Create, create, create even from the abyss.
– We still agree.
– Then, from the first place, where to go now?
– How the hell am I supposed to know? O_o
Search in all city, in all country, in the entire world. You’ll surely find. –grin–
– search… In all city… the city is HUGE already !! O_o
– no joke? How come I didn’t know it. ^__^
So what? You’ll give up?
– no way! x___x
– then don’t wait. Begin now !
– Like … right now?
– Are you going to wait for the storm or the end of the world to take the first step? è_é
– errr…. of course not.
Let’s find the way together then in this huge world *____*

I am always remembering 3 sentences when I don’t know what to do:
“In front of a situation you have infinite possibilities” : hard to find them at first. keep looking for them you’ll find what is desired
“We as humans can make the impossible possible” and that’s true for all of us.
“make it simple, make it happen”
It always put my mind in peace which helps me to see things in a different way and find different solutions. 🙂



  • I don’t get: what does eternity means ?
  • O_o you’re writing it in your lyrics.
  • Because everyone is putting it in lyrics. But I don’t get the meaning. :/
  • Forever
  • -_-” Not clear.
  • Think you’ll never die. That’s forever.
  • Never to die? Yurk. >__< what a painful thought!
  • Why painful?
  • Do you imagine meeting the same persons who hurt you, betrayed you, for eternity? With same faces and characters? Yurk, yurk, yurk. I prefer to live a new life with chances that souls like those will never cross my path again, if life after death exists.
  • Yeah right. Living forever like this looks more like a hell than heaven. But humans tend to dream about eternity.
  • I’m letting them have this kind of eternity. I don’t wish to live forever in this painful world.
  • But you made your world happy.
  • And I’m glad I made it. ^___^ it was hard but it was worth changing my beliefs.
    . . . still I don’t get why humans dream to live forever. . .

Eating or not eating; control it or not?

It’s up to you.

When I was a child I needed company to eat.
Now it’s quite the contrary. I am eating a lot when I am alone and few when I am with friends.

Today, because I hate not being able to move as I want, I don’t like to feel so tired, I decided to stop doing that.
Eating was always painful to me. Because I was taught that I had to eat, I often forced myself. But now I know it was a mistake.

So how to stop eating if we are not hungry?
First: is it your decision or someone else’s decision to lose weight or to begin to learn how to eat? If it’s not coming from you, if you don’t want it for you, you won’t be able to succeed it.
Why? because you need the motivation in order to control yourself during the first time. Every body needs time to adapt itself to changes. If you give up in the middle your body will remember. All bodies have good memory to what we are doing to them, be it bad or good.
So first thing first, think about your motivations and everytime you want to give up remind them to you. Write them everywhere to see it easily.

second do you know when you’re hungry?
2 years ago I couldn’t tell the differences between wanting to eat and being hungry. I stopped myself and begun to analyze my behaviour.
I was helped by a professional for the 4 first steps:
1) note everything you eat during a day. (without the quantities. you can put them later if you want. for me it was asking too much energy to try to do it. I didn’t do. I decided to count it in number of plates)

2) take everything you think you like and have a bite from each. Everytime you have a part in your mouth take the time to eat it. Let the same part be in
your mouth during 4-5 minutes while chewing it.
After this if you like the taste left in your mouth it means you like what you ate. If you don’t it means you don’t like it so don’t buy it anymore, stop eating it.
Since then I can’t eat Mc Donald nor Quick nor other fastfood. Some cakes I thought I liked I know I don’t like them in fact (kitkat being an example).
I did the same with meat, vegetables and fish and other sweets.
To erase the taste take a little of normal bread and drink water. for the smell, smell some coffee beans.

3) Once you know what you like and what you don’t like, even if it seems hard, throw away everything you don’t like. (give it to those who want if you can) begin to cook simple meals instead of buying.

4) Always take the time to eat. One bite must take nearly 2 minutes. It’s hard at the beginning but if you don’t force yourself to do it you’ll never learn to enjoy your meals.

5) avoid sandwiches. better have only bread, some fructs and a good dinner afterwards than a sandwich.

6) Help yourself to stop eating between meals: easy to say hard to do, isn’t it?
what kind of fructs do you like? replace whatever you eat by those fructs: one golden apple, one banana (better one per day, no more), 3 apricots (per day), and so on…
you don’t like fructs? do you like vegetables?
you don’t like vegetables? it’s hard here. Find something with low fat and eat small part of it.

7) Take only one plate by meal. It was hard because it meant to reduce the quantities but it’s really worth. I replaced the second plate by a small bread, a yogurt and some fructs. Later I didn’t need it anymore.

8) While eating fish and meat prefer to eat vegetables than rice, potatoes or pasta.
I am eating vegetables with meat, with fish, with rice, with potatoes, with pasta. but trying to avoid mixing them. Times to times (but rare) I am taking french fries with chicken and salada. It’s one of my favorites plates and I enjoy it. But even if I can have it everyday, I prefer vegetables because I know I’ll feel better later.
Living in France it’s hard to stop eating cheese. Even today it’s difficult for me. But I am still training. I don’t want to give up. As it’s my body, my health and my life, it’s up to me to be as I want 🙂

9) what to drink?
water of course. I drink coffee without sugar but times to times I like having my coffee with a little sweet (black chocolate is the best ^^). Trying to not overdo it, I always remind myself how good I am feeling if I don’t eat all the chocolate I have in front of me.
I drink tea without sugar. you can add lemon and if you really want it sweet better add one small spoon of honey. It’s more natural than sugar. I think.
I avoid coca (except if I ate something really bad, I am taking one normal coca as medecine :p), pepsi, 7up, fanta without problem. Sometimes I like drinking a fanta, but it’s not often at all (once every 6 months lol).
Since I am taking the time to taste everything I am eating or drinking, I found a lot of things too sweet for my taste. Oasis, pepsi, kitkat, brownies… I begun to like japanese and korean sweets because the taste is softer.

10) Once your body is used to eat less and better try to think what you like to do with it : walk, dance, run… No matter what other think about your choices, do it. It’s your choice. If you train you’ll succeed. Begin with twice per week and when feeling better and more energetic do it more often.
Remember to take rest for your body. If you push it too hard you’ll give up in the end. you and your body must like it. Not feel it as being a burden.
I like to walk and dance. ^^ I walk with friends and dance by myself because I enjoy it as well as singing. I don’t do it in front of others because I enjoy it more when I am alone. It’s only for myself ^_-
Dunno how to explain this feeling ^^

Personally I decided to give up on the bathroom scales. My clothes are telling me if I am losing weight or not. ^^
So Remember : You’ll succeed if you’re doing it for yourself and if you’re the one who decided to do it. there is no need to restrain yourself to eat what you like if you eat smaller quantities.
What everyone is saying to avoid when losing weight, if you’re eating it everyday, begin to eat it once per day, and after 2 weeks every 2 days once per day. After 2 weeks eat it once every 3 days, after 2 weeks eat it every 4 days and so on until you’ll eat it once per month or give up because in fact you don’t like what you’re eating.
I like bananas with chocolate during winter. At the beginning I ate it once per week. Now it’s less than once per month and I only take one banana. 🙂

In Japan and South Korea I was happy because I was able to calculate what I was eating everyday easily: 1000KCAL everyday was more than enough. In France I find it too hard to calculate as it’s not written everywhere. 😦

I hope my experience will help you. Yes you won’t loose weight at first, but with time you’ll see that you’ll loose and won’t win it back.

A new year and new words

Time flies quickly. Yesterday it was christmas 2013 and today it’s already the end of january 2014.
But what amazes me the most is how people I am somehow linked to them are able to say the words I need to hear.
The words I already knew but needed to hear them from someone else.

“The weapon of a woman is not her tears but her smiles”
I can’t agree at 100%. Tears can move a man’s heart too. ^^
What made me smile while hearing this is that before 2012 I was crying a lot. One day I decided I wasn’t born to live in pain and sadness and I wanted to learn to smile and laugh. 2 years later it’s quite surprising but I am smiling nearly everyday 🙂
I found the way to be happy no matter what. And when I am sad, I am remembering the happiest moments in my life; even the few I have it’s enough to make me smile. Creating happy memories, everyone can do it. Those memories can keep us going on no matter what and make the darkness fade away from our souls.

The other words I heard and I needed to hear are from a young man. He is 8 years and half younger than me. I don’t get how he found out this. It amazed me a lot.
“People who are crying are not weaker. They were too strong for too long.” And you can add “alone struggling by themselves”.
Because those who are really crying from their heart (not fake tears), are the people who endured too many things too much without complaining or revenge.
It felt good to hear it from someone even younger than me. Thank you dear friend.

A new year began, full of surprises. A new hope arised, vanished quickly in the ocean of goals we want to reach.
A new path has opened, it’s up to us to make everything go well for us. “Make it happen”.
A little risks to take and a new life to live, I wish everyone a year full of joy and new funny adventures.


The one I love: what must I do?

what can I say or do when I know who is the Mister right ONE for me?
I know we are fated somehow. How? I don’t get it even after nearly 8 years. Every damn day since the first time I saw him I knew. Those feelings never disappeared no matter what I tried (yeah even having other men in my life).

At first I ran away ending up bleeding and hurting all over. My soul in fire and my heart in ashes.
Then I stopped to run away and accepted those feelings and knowledge I received. Since then I was able to live with it. Still in the darkness and driven by human’s nature I wanted to join his side so badly that I gave up all my dreams. And one day my love was mixed with hatred. Why should I be the only one to cry, to feel lonely, to be hurt?
Until I got it. Until I understood what love really means. At least for me.

Being in love doesn’t mean the other has to love you. It doesn’t mean he has to acknowledge it nor to accept it.
But it doesn’t mean either for you to live lonely and in pain all your life. It doesn’t mean you have to cry all by yourself and stay in despair forever.
The world is so huge and you can meet so many different and interresting people. Go out and open your mind. It’s the only way to live accordingly with your soul.

There is a fact: I love him. No matter what, I can’t deny it anymore even though I still can hide.
i know that the way he is now doesn’t make him happy and what he’s looking for will never be found by the way he is now. Don’t ask me how do I know. I can’t tell, because it’s my secret.
I tried to help him improve about his work and private life. I thought that maybe it will reach him in a way and makes him understand. But…
hey, say… who am I to tell him what to do? I am the first one who is running away or explodes when someone is trying to force me to do something. u_u

… And will I be able to make him happy? If right here and now I was by his side. Will I be able to make him smile and laugh? Right if I don’t try I won’t know. But that doesn’t mean I have to force him try it with me. In fact, it’s a huge responsability.

I tried so hard to move things, I felt like dying everyday. Until I decided to stop myself and let go.
what’s the use to do the same things again and again when you know it’s failing to reach the goal? I am no one. I am a stranger for him.

It took me 6 years to learn that happiness is only a state of mind. So I decided to smile and laugh and be happy even if I’ll never meet nor be by this person’s side.
For me the most important thing is him to be happy even if it is without me. I am lucky he is living in the same world and era as me. I am lucky because whenever I want to see his smiles I only need to take a look on his website. I am lucky whenever I need to hear his voice, I can do it. I met him at the right time. And since that fateful day I learnt to smile and laugh, I learnt to be happy and believe in my tomorrows. because as he is saying, no matter the situation we’re in we have infinite possibilities.

When love is involved, humans tend to hurt others when they are hurt. I rejected that way. I will never hurt him willingly. I will never try to get revenge because my soul is connected to his own. It’s not his fault. It’s not anyone fault.
And in fact, from his point of view, I am surely a crazy woman he must avoid for his own good. ^____^ And I agree. He must stay away from me if he wants to live carefree.

I learnt to synchronize my feelings with my mind so I won’t reject them anymore. I lived alone for many many years. I am able to go on like this and I enjoy it because I can manage my time as I want. Today I can say I am happy. Of course I’ll be happier if I was with that man (… or not. as says my mother :p), but that’s not my goal anymore. He has his own life and ideas. I respect that because I have mine.

I have dreams. I decided to start again working to realize them and go on until I’ll die.
I can meet people wherever I am. I begun to make friends. I am not alone anymore.
I keep staring at the stars and singing, my mind full of his funny faces I like.
I enjoy travelling, thinking that one day I will be able to live in the country I belong to, no matter what the others say.
I am glad I met artists who make me laugh, smile and feel good. I want my life full of joy and happiness. And it’s up to me to make it like that. ^^

I am grateful that japanese people helped me to change my point of view. And that korean people taught me to laugh too. I know about the hatred and history behind those 2 countries but I refuse to play the usa’s game. The past cannot be changed. Future can. Hatred will never heal anyone and revenge will never show you the way of life. Instead of keeping it even now in your hearts you better erase it and start anew together. By unifying us we have so much to win but almost all of us don’t see it. What a pity!

I created a lot of happy memories. I remember them everyday. Do you know Harry Potter? When he says that you must think at the happiest moments in your life in order to keep darkness away? In real life it’s the same thing. Remind only the happy moments of your life and you’ll find the way for everything you wish without hurting the other beings.

Maybe one day I’ll be with the person I love, maybe not but at least I won’t regret anything no matter what will happen. I already chose my way. I’ll keep taking my own decisions and move on.
That’s the way I see things, that’s the way I am.

How come I didn’t become a serial killer?

I saw the real world and true human’s nature when I was 14 years old, even if I lived horrors before, I understood them only at that age. Lies, betrayal, scars, violence…
At 20 I hated humans so much for their bad deeds only because they were running after sheets of paper, metals and “rocks”, that I was nearly able to destroy everything in this world. So it can only stop our madnesses. stop us all.

How come I am not a serial killer when human’s justice fails so often, when illusions surround us everyday? How come I never killed a human yet?

Because I was saved by humans. Those who showed me that not everything is engloufed in darkness.
I met the right people at the right time. Until 2006 I stayed dormant living for no one sake for nothing except death. I was waiting death to take me and release me from this world.
why no commit suicide? Not because religion says so or because I was afraid. In the contrary I was ready to do it more than once. I was against it because of my soul. Because I thought at what I discovered, what I already lived, about my battles and fights to survive, what I learnt from humans and from all this world, all the people I met.
I really wanted to go as far as this body and mind can go.
Only to see how my own kind will behave in the future.
I really want, even now, to stand up and study my own kind’s behaviour, look their own destruction and hearing them saying “it’s not our fault. it’s their fault” as little kids.

… until I met a man who changed my life. Completely. like a huge storm. Without knowing he brought me back to life. It was hard, I cried almost everyday during a year. But I am really grateful. Because I discovered new places, new ways, new people, new thoughts. I even made friends. No matter how hard I was calling death and destruction, I begun to enjoy to be alive with others. strange for someone who spent almost 30 years alone.

Yeah! right. why save humans? why don’t destroy everything? because between those I hate, there are souls I want to meet, there are souls I love, souls I want to laugh with, souls I want to cry and fight with, souls I want to protect. Because instead of destruction I prefer to try my best and heal broken souls around me. I may not be able to save everyone. I may not be able to save myself. But at least I’ll stay true to my soul.
Every human has qualities and defaults. It’s hard to find your qualities because you’re looking through the other’s eyes. And other people are often jealous about you. so they will not show you the good part. That’s why you better learn more about yourself. there is no human in this world that doesn’t have qualities.

I talked about my own kind. It means all humans. Not a particular color of skin, nor a particular phisical appearance. every human is included in my own kind. we are all humans, we all have our pains, scars, darknesses. but we all have light inside. it’s up to us to make it grew stronger and feel happy. All feelings are a state of the mind. say you want to be happy. be grateful when you’re feeling happy. and you’ll end up being happy everyday with no particular reason.

often we, as humans, hurt our own kind because of people who doesn’t care about our well being at all. Almost all of us are blind to this.
One word, one right sentence can heal the past scars. I smiled when someone told me he was suffering because when he was younger people called him monkey. so what? monkeys are really cute and intelligent. why being ashamed?
Accepting the others with everything they got is hard at the beginning because we are not used to it.
But this is the key to find a way to smile everyday and to go on living together. only together, we can find the way to happiness. because if you ask for happiness alone you’re always feel sad because you’re lonely. so it won’t work.

Hatred never healed anyone, never brought love to anyone, never brought back to life anyone.
I can’t forgive but I can close in a box everything related to the bad events. A box that will open when I will be in danger or meet same people again.

I learnt to smile 2 years ago and laugh last year thanks to 2 men I met by luck. I am already more than 30 years old. Too late? I don’t think so.
Today in the common transport everyone is looking at me strangely, because I am smiling, because I look happy. This is the way I want to be. I don’t care about what they are thinking. It makes me smile even more. I turned my memories into happiness and created new happy memories no matter the loss I had. 🙂

Smiling, feeling happiness no matter what happens, because the cup of water is always half full instead of empty, is someting everyone can do. Overcoming the darkness we were raised in, trusting our fates and ourselves, we all can do it.
I never said it’s easy. I am only saying that if you take time, you’ll find the way out of your hell. No matter what you think, you’re not alone.

Yes, I met the right people at the right time. But I never waited for someone to come and save me. No one will knock at your door saying “hey I know how to save you. you must do this or that.” And even if someone was doing it, I would not believe in that person, because humans can betray easily their own kind for illusions. x__x
I prefered to go out and see others behaviour. Little by little I begun to talk to them. Little by little I opened a new way. Because I really trust that we are not alive to suffer, cry and be hurt endlessly, nor be alone everyday.

So don’t give in darkness, don’t let those who are jealous about you, win over your soul. stand up, look up and go on.
go visit the other part of the world, maybe you’ll find the answers you’re looking for. It was my case.

Take the time to do things you like and tomorrow you’ll find it easy to smile and laugh with everyone around you. ^_____^

No one is asking you to be first, to be the best, to do it the quickest without failing.
Society may ask it from you, but if it doesn’t match your soul don’t do it. I always fought against it because failing means you’re learning. I failed 2 years of study but in exchange I learnt a lot about life. I failed my driver licence but in exchange I never had a car accident. I failed my program for the company but in exchange I learnt an other point of view I didn’t have at the beginning.
Failing doesn’t mean you’re a failure. It means you’re improving, you’re learning no matter the mistakes. 🙂

I hope this message can reach a lot of you and show you a different way of thinking and living. I don’t say I am right about everything.
I am saying that before destruction there are other solutions and ways. We are all trying to find happiness and feel well.

Take care everyone

Why fear future?

why do people fear so much future and changes?

I always wondered why humans are so afraid of changes in their life. The answer is simple in fact from my point of view. Because it was what they were taught by people who governs them. “we will protect you. put your life in our hands. trust us.”.
During 20th century people trusted those ones. But they were betrayed so often that today they don’t believe in it anymore.

I can only speak for what is going in France. Now the government is trying to protect us from everything. “don’t eat sweets, don’t eat salty food, don’t eat this or that, don’t drink this or that, think like this, do like that, judge like us”.
A glass of wine and you’re already considered as a drunken person.
A laugh and you’re considered as a crazy person. yeah you can’t smile nor laugh alone. Incredible

I can’t accept this way of life. I want to wonder how tomorrow will be, I want to feel happiness, sadness, to cry and to laugh. I want my future to not be determined by others (even if it’s the case now because even the government is manipulated by other humans).
“one way one fate”. Thanks but no thanks. That’s not for me.

I want to use my brain to think, to decide, to create, to destroy. I want to use my heart to feel love and pains, to feel that I’m alive.
I want to be ill so my lover and family will take care of me. I want to heal to be able to work with friends, to travel and meet new people, to have fun.

Preventing is a good thing but forcing the preventions is what is called being a dictator.

I can’t agree to put my future and fate in the hands of someone else even if I’m going to die tomorrow.
I am born in a protected world, but I never asked for such a thing. I want to see this shield break in billion pieces to set everyone free. will it be better or worse? It’s up to us to make it better, but at least the wars we didn’t decide to do won’t happen.
Don’t you feel that our world is based on a spiral of continuously human’s sacrifices?

I am smiling when I hear foreigners saying “we want to be free. we want friendship, democracy” etc
You’re mistaken if you think that people are free in democracy. They have more rights yes, but to use them they still have to fight a lot and they definitly  can’t do what they want or live well with dignity until death.
By the way you don’t need to wait to be in a democracy to make friends, do you? no matter where you live you can have friends. this is up to you not to the society nor to the government.

Here in France you can live longer true, but not better. I prefer to live 30-40 years well than surviving 100 years and end up like a shit.

when you’re ill foreigners think that you’re going to be healed by the government’s money in France.
I wanted to precise that in fact it’s the money from commoners like me who are paying taxes that help you to be healed. those who are ruling the country don’t pay anything.

If you use common sense you can live well and be more free.
You can eat sweets, salty food, rich food. Only remember to eat small quantities per day (not a whole plate of chocolate).
you can drink wine or other alcohol without being drunk. Drink a little better don’t mix.
you can eat fructs and drink milk to go to toilets if you want and like. Think to eat something solid after like bread, rice, pasta.
you can eat meat, but instead of 500g per meal try to go down to 100g-200g per day.
Japanese women taught me what we in europe forgot. eat anything you like, drink anything you like, slowly to apreciate it and in small quantities.
I counted in France i am eating 2000-2500KCAL. In Japan 1000KCAL is enough. Since I came back I am always eating smaller and smaller parts. I am feeling betetr and I enjoy myself while eating.

A lot of people are saying that to lose weight you must do sport. I can assure those who can’t (I hear a voice I know since 2006 telling me if you want you can. well true except when your body is limited because it was ill during years and can’t do what your mind wish even now) or don’t have the strenght. I can’t do sports. no running for me, no sports. But… I like to dance, I like to walk, I like to sing. I am not able to do it everyday. My body won’t survive ;). But as soon as I have enough energy I am doing it because it makes me happy.
What I want to tell you. If you’re sad or if you don’t know what to do I suggest you to ask yourself what do you like to do? learning, studying, writing, swimming, dancing, go shopping with friends… discover what you like and do it. Make it simple, Make it happen for yourself.

In conclusion never think again that in France, in democracy we are free or we live well. A lot of people starve, a lot of people are broken, a lot of people are alone.
There might exist an other solution than democracy, better for us. I believe if we think about it together we can find a new way and path for everyone.